Conflict is inevitable…. Combat is optional
Within every team and within every relationship there is always going to be a difference of opinion. We all have our rose coloured glasses on and we all see the world through this individual and very personal perspective. So, it’s no wonder that we can’t always see eye to eye.
But when we get caught up in trivial disputes and stop focusing on the bigger picture, we can get bogged down.
We also know that there can sometimes be that “s--t stirrer” within any team that just likes to “poke the bear: and seems to thrive on conflict and creating conflict within any team
So, how can we manage conflict more successfully and reduce our reactivity and focus on the bigger picture?
The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
While it might be tempting to ignore conflict, especially if it’s minor, don’t!
Unresolved conflict damages morale. It creates barriers to communication, cooperation, trust and respect. It creates resentment and can split your team and stop your workflow. Be proactive to manage even trivial disputes
Understanding the Source of Conflict
Where does conflict come from? Is there always a “right” and “wrong” party? The answer is no.
The source of almost all conflicts can be reduced to one of two things: miscommunication or emotions running out of control.
Once you pinpoint the source, you can plan how to handle it.
Miscommunication is a big issue
One of the biggest sources of conflict is misunderstanding. Someone gets the ‘bull by the horns’ and it starts trouble. That’s why it’s so important to be careful with what you say, and make sure everyone has received the correct message.
The Importance of Emotional Intelligence
We can learn how to use our emotional intelligence to bring “calm” to emotional and disputes. We can self-regulate and control our emotions, so we have an opportunity to pause and take a breath before we act.
See the Opportunity in Conflict
Conflict isn’t always bad because it can act as a bridge to greater understanding between parties. Examining the events that led up to the conflict, and, taking steps to resolve it can be a great teaching moment where everyone involved can learn more about themselves and others. Remember to talk about the conflict once it’s resolved to help your team members discover the learning moments for themselves.
So consider some proactive steps”
1) Consider your Positive Intent.
Ask yourself, “What is my positive intent in interacting and having a conversation with this person. Be clear and focused. If you enter a conversation with a negative intent, e.g. “They need to know what a negative impact they have on others”– to belittle, tell them they are wrong, be negative, criticise etc, then you are likely to get a very poor result to your interaction. But if you determine your Positive Intent, for example “My positive intention is to give them feedback to allow them to build positive relationships with peers”, then you are much more likely to enter a conversation with the potential for a positive outcome which strengthens the relationship, not breaks it down.
2) Find any common ground
Often it is easy to see all the ways someone is different to you, but ask yourself, “How is this person’s goals the same as mine?” Are you both looking for acceptance, to just have someone to listen, do you both have a fear of losing control or a desire for security. If you can find some commonality to your relationship, interaction or problem, then there is a much greater opportunity for success and strengthening of a relationship.
3) What can I learn?
Our diversity is our strength. Have you ever been stuck on a project and taken it to a colleague to let them look at it, only to be struck by an “Aha” moment when they point out the obvious thing you’ve been missing? We all see things through different eyes and different “lenses” are a very valuable commodity. So, before you jump to conclusions… listen, seek to understand. It just may provide you with valuable insights you had never considered before.
4) Understand your own behaviour and its impact on others.
Often we look to other people to see what they are doing “wrong”, why they don’t “get it”, and ask “what is their problem?” But how often do we turn that magnifying glass on ourselves. After all, the first two cornerstones of Emotional Intelligence are Self-Awareness and Self-Management. Ask yourself… “What is my behaviour and how does it impact others?”
So the next time you are challenged with individual differences, conflict and trivial disputes, create yourself some space to listen, put your assumptions on hold, look for options, recognise your own impact and ask questions with a positive intent. Think of the possibilities……..
Want to know more about proactively managing trivial disputes in your workplace or private life? Send me an email at michelle@bakjacconsulting.com to enquire about coaching and /or training to build your personal strategies.
Michelle Bakjac is an experienced Psychologist, Organisational Consultant, Coach, Speaker and Facilitator. As Director of Bakjac Consulting, she is a credentialed Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF) and a member of Mental Toughness Partners and an MTQ48 accredited Mental Toughness practitioner. Michelle assists individuals and organisations to develop their Mental Toughness to improve performance, leadership, behaviour and wellbeing. You can find her at www.bakjacconsulting.com or michelle@bakjacconsulting.com
