Have you ever berated yourself for making a wrong decision or called yourself “stupid” for the way you handled a meeting? Or maybe you might have told yourself how useless you are because you didn’t reach a goal you set?
We can be extremely hard on ourselves sometimes. But is it useful to be so harsh and even unkind to ourselves in this way? Could we exercise a little self-compassion? After all we speak to ourselves more than anyone else. Wouldn’t it be better to engage ourselves in some self-love and kindness?
Perhaps the single best way to provoke compassion for yourself is through this exercise: treating yourself like a good friend.
It’s easy to give our friends love, compassion, and understanding, even when they fail or make a mistake. It can be much harder to extend that same understanding and compassion to ourselves when we make a mistake.
Try following these steps for a bit of self-exploration:
1. First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about themselves or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friend.
2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.
3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?
4. Write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re stressed or suffering from self-doubt.
If you are anything like me, you noticed a big difference between how you speak to a friend and how you speak to yourself.
So how do we manage our critical self-talk and be more self-compassionate?
1) First, it is important to simply notice when you are being overly critical of yourself or using words or statements that are unkind.
You will likely have trouble noticing these things the first or second time you try, but don’t give up! It will get easier the more you practice it.
The goal here is to simply get a sense of how you talk to yourself when you are criticising yourself or being negative about yourself.
2) Once you begin to challenge the negative self-talk, begin to “talk back” to the critical voice in your head. Don’t take on the same critical tone with this voice in your head, that will just encourage self-judgment instead of self-compassion!
Tell yourself that you understand that there is nervousness, anxiety and worry, but it doesn’t need to be this way. Engage in some self-soothing just as you would provide to a friend. After all, don’t we experience our best learning experiences when we fall down.
3) Finally, work on reframing the observations made by your critical voice. Put them in a more positive perspective, perhaps with the help of the “unconditionally compassionate” friend. Instead of allowing the critical voice to berate you for a choice you made, put on your “self-compassionate” or “compassionate friend” hat and view the situation with a focus on the positive.
So, the next time you treat yourself badly for making a perceived mistake, take a moment to recognise the way you are speaking to yourself and perhaps you might start speaking to yourself just like a friend would.
Want to know more about managing your self-talk and being more self-compassionate? Send me an email at michelle@bakjacconsulting.com to enquire about building your personal strategies or those of your team or workplace.
Michelle Bakjac is an experienced Psychologist, Organisational Consultant, Coach, Speaker and Facilitator. As Director of Bakjac Consulting, she is a credentialed Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF) and a member of Mental Toughness Partners and an MTQ48 accredited Mental Toughness practitioner. Michelle assists individuals and organisations to develop their Mental Toughness to improve performance, leadership, behaviour and wellbeing. You can find her at www.bakjacconsulting.com or michelle@bakjacconsulting.com
