“Our first reaction to most of the statements we hear from other people is an immediate evaluation, or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling or attitude or belief, our tendency is, almost immediately, to feel “That’s right”; or “That’s stupid”; “That’s abnormal”; “That’s unreasonable”; “That’s incorrect”; “That’s not nice.” Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of his statement is to him. I believe this is because understanding is risky. If I let myself really understand another person, I might be changed by that understanding. And we all fear change. So, as I say, it is not an easy thing to permit oneself to understand an individual.”
Carl R. Rogers
We have all been faced with an individual or with a situation in which we find it really difficult to listen. This article by Fred Kofman gives you some simple strategies to consider so as to be fully present the next time you are struggling to listen.
It is precisely when listening is most important, that you want to listen the least.
To resolve a difficult conversation you need to integrate the information you and your counterpart bring to the table. You need to understand one another and find common ground. None of this is possible without listening.
But when your counterpart confronts you with a different point of view, you can often feel threatened. If they are right, then you must be wrong. And they must be wrong so you can be right.
The last thing you want to do is to listen to them if their opinion is significantly different from your own.
Your counterpart will often feel threatened as well. You confront them with a different point of view. If you are right, they must be wrong. You must be wrong so they can be right.
The last thing they want to do is to listen to you.
To de-escalate the conflict, you must first control your impulse to argue.
Second, you have to listen, really listen.
And third you have to prove to them that you are listening.
The first step requires a deep breath and an act of will.
From there, you can consider 7 (+1 from me) steps to not only listen, but to prove to your counterpart that you are truly listening:
So, consider: Are you really curious? Do you have space inside your mind for your counterpart’s perspective? Unless you hold your view lightly, listening to the other will feel like a waste of time. Why bother? You already know!
1. Focus. Look at them. Don’t do anything else.
Have you ever talked to someone who is on their phone, emailing at the same time? “Go on, I’m listening,” they’ll say. But that just doesn’t cut it. And how do you feel when your counterpart repeats everything and grins, “Told you. I am listening!” in a snarky tone?
2. Be quiet. Let them finish. Don’t interrupt.
If you want to learn how to listen. It’s easy, just be quiet. What you need to understand is that you know how to listen. The real question is why you choose to interrupt and not listen.
3. Encourage
If you are quiet and keep a poker face, your counterpart won´t know if you are with them. Quietly nodding or encouraging them to present their views fully shows your interest and curiosity with what they have to say. Your silent attention creates a vacuum that they can fill up with meaning.
4. Summarise. Play back the essential points
Attributing the summary to your counterpart will allow you to accept their perspective, even if you don´t agree with it. When you say, “I understand that you prefer that we change priorities,” you are not agreeing that it would be best to change priorities, but you are agreeing with their perspective.
5. Check. Ask if you have understood and let them correct you.
You may have not gotten the gist of their argument. Perhaps you misunderstood, or perhaps they misstated it. Either way, by checking you give them a chance to sharpen or expand their thoughts.
6. Validate. Acknowledge they have a point
Being human is being rational. Telling them that you understand why they see things the way they do shows respect for their perspective. If you don´t understand, avoid blaming, “You are not making sense.” Try instead, “I know that you have an important point, but I don´t understand it yet. Can you help me?”
7. Inquire. Ask them what they would like from you.
You can’t read their mind, so you don’t know what they want. If you assume you do, it’s hit and miss, mostly miss. There are a myriad of reasons to engage in conversation; you are on much safer ground if you ask questions.
And now for the +1
I often find the concept of staying “Out of the Space” a really a great concept for considering how we listen.
Active Listening is about creating the space or staying out of the space.
Consider two people talking and the space between them being “filled” with conversation. When one person talks, it is as if they throw information in the space and then the other person returns with conversation. Over time this space fills up. If two people are not listening, the space fills up quickly and just becomes an overcrowded mess. There is no means of effectively communicating because the space is completely crammed. The same situation occurs when neither party is listening; both parties are just trying to fill the space.
So, how can you stay out of the space?
Consider, what are your Bad Habits? How could you manage these more effectively?
Want to develop your listening skills and build better relationships? Ask me how. Send me an email at michelle@bakjacconsulting.com to enquire about coaching to build your personal strategies.
Michelle Bakjac is an experienced Psychologist, Organisational Consultant, Coach, Speaker and Facilitator. As Director of Bakjac Consulting, she is a credentialed Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF) and a member of Mental Toughness Partners and an MTQ48 accredited Mental Toughness practitioner. Michelle assists individuals and organisations to develop their Mental Toughness to improve performance, leadership, behaviour and wellbeing. You can find her at www.bakjacconsulting.com or michelle@bakjacconsulting.com
